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What the caterpillar calls the end of life,
the Master calls the butterfly
Caller
ID
Isn't it amazing how God works
in our lives!
On a Saturday night several
weeks ago, this pastor was
working late, and decided to
call his wife before he left for
home. It was about 10:00 PM, but
his wife didn't answer the
phone. The pastor let it ring
many times. He thought it was
odd that she didn't answer, but
decided to wrap up a few things
and try again in a few minutes.
When he tried again she answered
right away. He asked her why she
hadn't answered before, and she
said that it hadn't rung at
their house.
They brushed it off as a fluke
and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor
received a call at the church
office, which was the phone that
he'd used that Saturday night.
The man that he spoke with
wanted to know why he'd called
on Saturday night. The pastor
couldn't figure out what the man
was talking about. Then the man
said, "It rang and rang,
but I didn't answer."
The pastor remembered the mishap
and apologized for disturbing
him, explaining that he'd
intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's OK.
Let me tell you my story. You
see, I was planning to commit
suicide on Saturday night, but
before I did, I prayed, 'God if
you're there, and you don't want
me to do this, give me a sign
now.'
At that point my phone started
to ring. I looked at the caller
ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'.
I was afraid to answer!"
The reason why it showed on the
man's caller ID that the call
came from "Almighty
God" is because the church
that the pastor attends is
called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
If you believe that God answers
prayers then share this story
with a friend!
God bless.
Waiting
for the Wake-Up Call
I’m waiting for the wake up
call that surely must come
someday in this journey through
grief. When will it get
better?!! I’m waiting for the
day when the memories are
softer, the step a little
lighter and when the sounds in
my heart aren’t always those
of sadness, I’m waiting for
the music to return, for the
light to shine, for the magic
to
come back. I’m waiting for the
pain to stop, the hurt to leave
and for everything to
go back to its original place. I
want the picture to look the
same as before, and I’m
waiting until it does. But,
while I’m waiting, I’m
learning a lot, I know 1 have to
make lists now in order to
capture my chores and things I
have to do. I gave up trying to
remember and now just carry a
notepad with me (with a pencil
attached!) I have set the clocks
10 minutes fast so I have a
better chance of being on time,
and I have stocked the car with
maps of every place I need to
be.
I make menus and create shopping
lists. I plan ahead, write down
everything and then don’t
worry when I lose the list, get
lost, or simply change my mind,
I think most people thought I
was always confused, so now I
don’t worry so much about not
remembering.
I’m taking advantage of being
bereaved and am learning to work
with the lack of concentration,
the forgetfulness, the
confusion. If it isn’t written
down, it
doesn’t exist and I’ve been
much happier ever since! If the
weather and the seasons can’t
get it together, why should I
try to coordinate an outfit?
I’ll just wear what’s
comfortable for the moment and
worry less about what others
think.
Maybe they are as confused as I
am. Maybe they’re struggling
too.
Maybe we should all just stop,
look and listen ... trying to
remember to hold hands when
crossing the street and practice
hugging instead of hitting.
Maybe spring reflects nature’s
inability to make up its mind or
maybe that hesitation to change
is more of Mother Nature’s
mourning the passing of her
winter season.
Maybe it’s hot one day and
cold the next to keep us on our
toes, to keep the blood flowing,
the legs moving.
Maybe shoveling snow one day and
planting seeds the next is what
we are supposed to be doing ...
maybe spring is the season of
change and we should let go of
the whys? and work on the
how's?.
Maybe pushing the plow is better
than trying to pull it. Maybe
just relaxing into the craziness
and letting the tides ebb and
flow across the
beach will work better than
trying to direct the winds that
change rides on. Perhaps letting
the sun warm my winter-weary
bones is a more productive
activity than rearranging
the closet, and maybe the good
memories will come back if I let
them. Maybe spring is the reason
for getting up ... to simply see
what is possible today. Maybe
today is the day and if I’m in
bed, I’ll miss the beginning,
and I’ll still be lost.
Maybe I’m already in the
middle of change and maybe I
will always be confused, lost
and slightly off balance, But
maybe that’s okay, and I’ll
just have to figure out how?
instead of why?. And when that
happens, I know I won’t be
lost anymore!
It
really doesn’t matter if
it’s Tuesday or Friday (unless
one of those days is garbage
day, and then it does matter!)
Maybe I can let go of the time
frames and calendar pages that
dictate my life and my
emotions and let life simply
flow, Perhaps you and I have
already answered the wake up
call. Don’t let a poor
yesterday or an uncertain
tomorrow use up today. I think
this is it, and now is the time
for being all I can be. Half of
me is still in winter and dyeing
eggs. All of me is still perhaps
a bit off balance, but I am
alive and that’s a
start! This wasn’t the life I
expected to live, but it is the
one I’ve got.
If
I’m lost, I’d explore
wherever it is I am. If I’m
late, I’ll just apologize and
enjoy the time I have left. If
I’m out of place, out of style
or out of sync, I’ll just keep
dancing
to the tune I hear and let the
rest of the world figure out
their own melody...
Darcie
Sims -
Bereavement
Magazine Mar/Apr 1995
What
is the most difficult age to
“lose” a child?
What is the right age for ANYONE
to die?
Stillborn, a few weeks or
months old?
“Perhaps. For then the parents
haven’t learned to really know
them yet.” I wonder – How
about all the dreams, anxiety
and care taken during those
pregnant months, in order to
assure a
healthy child? The pain of
delivery, yet only empty arms to
show for it. The nursery, ready
and waiting. What a tragic end
to a dream!
One to Five Years Old?
“They were so young. Maybe the
real closeness hadn’t formed
yet. They weren’t “people”
yet.” Think again! Remember
their first steps – their
funny run (often with wet
diapers drooping) – their
first words, then sentences –
their letting you know how
important you are to them.
Beautiful years – gone!
Six to Twelve Years Old?
“They, at least, had some time
to have fun.” Just think,
though. They were on the
threshold of
real learning – some getting
ready to enter Jr. High. Just
starting into that pre-adult
world. Frightening, but exciting
to them. They cannot wait to be
“older”, more independent.
Twelve to Twenty Years Old?
Not then, certainly. They are
just upon the threshold –
starting to date, learning to
drive, real responsibilities.
Graduation – the beginning of
their future. Their dreams
starting to form.
Twenty to Thirty Years Old?
Goodness no! Just getting
settled in a job – maybe just
married, dreaming of a home and
children.
Life is really beginning to
unfold.
Thirty to Forty Years Old?
That certainly would not be the
time. Just getting their teeth
into a career. College or school
of
hard knocks just starting to pay
off. Married a few years, maybe
– young children –mortgaged
to the hilt. How would his or
her family survive? How much
they would miss!
Fifty to Sixty Years Old?
“Certainly they have lived a
full life.” But then, when is
a “full” life reached? Now
there are probably children in
college – house almost paid
off. Dreaming of seeing their
children settled and happy.
Seeing grandchildren – an
extension of their love.
So,
not quite yet.
Sixty to Seventy Years Old?
“That’s it.” BUT – what
if there is a spouse sharing
that life? What happens after so
many years – now suddenly
alone! College tuitions behind
them. House, maybe, paid off.
Perhaps their planned trips that
go along with newfound freedom
– and of retirement dreams.
Their children, now grown, will
grieve and the grandchildren
will be robbed of an important
force
in
their lives.
Eighty and Up?
At least, then, we can say they
lived a long life. We hope a
“full” life. Even then,
however, the chances are someone
will grieve. It all comes down
to whatever the age of the loved
one who died – there is grief.
Granted, the grief IS different
when you are dealing with a
child’s (any age) death, a
spouse’s death or a parent’s
death, or the death of a
sibling.
We, bereaved parents, feel the
grief of losing a child is the
worst. However, a person who is
close to his or her parents,
having that umbilical cord
finally severed is extremely
painful.
The
loss of a spouse, a brother or
sister, when there was a close
bond, can be devastating.
What
I am trying to say, is that we
could all be kinder to one
another by not being judgmental
as to whether it is harder to
lose someone at a young age or
an older age – suddenly or
through long illness. It really
is not relevant. The bottom line
is, we are all in pain!
Understanding another’s pain
and sharing ours is all part of
the process of healing. “Never
judge another man, until you
have walked ten paces in his
footsteps.” That is what being
a compassionate friend is
all about. -
Mary Ehmann,
The
Water Bug Story
Down below the surface of a
quiet pond lived a little colony
of water bugs. They were a happy
colony,
living far away from the sun.
For many months they were very
busy, scurrying over the
soft mud on the bottom of the
pond. They did notice that every
once in a while one of their
colony
seemed to lose interest in going
about with its friends. Clinging
to the stem of a pond lily, it
gradually moved out of sight and
was seen no more.
"Look!" said one of
the water bugs to another,
"One of our colony is
climbing up the lily stalk.
Where do you think she's
going?" Up, up, up it
slowly went... Even as they
watched, the water bug
disappeared from sight. Its
friends waited and waited but it
didn't return...
"That's funny!" said
one water bug to another...
" Wasn't she happy
here?" asked a second...
"Where do you suppose she
went?" wondered a third...
No one had an answer. They were
greatly puzzled.
Finally one of the water bugs
gathered its friends together.
"I have an idea. The next
one of us
who climbs up the lily stalk
must promise to come back and
tell us where he or she went
and
why." "We
promise" they said
solemnly.
One spring day not long after
the very water bug who had
suggested the plan found himself
climbing up the lily stalk. Up,
up, up he went. Before he knew
what was happening, he had
broken through the surface of
the water and fallen into the
broad and free lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about
with surprise. He couldn't
believe what he saw. A startling
change had come over his old
body. His movement revealed four
silver wings and a long tail.
Even as he struggled, he felt an
impulse to move his wings... The
warmth of the sun soon dried the
moisture from his new body. He
moved his wings again and
suddenly found himself above the
water.
He had become a dragonfly.
Swooping and dipping in great
curves, he flew through the air.
He
felt exhilarated in the new
atmosphere.
By and by the new dragonfly
landed happily on a lily pad to
rest. Then it was that he
chanced to look below to the
bottom of the pond. Why, he was
right above his old friends, the
water bugs! There they were
scurrying around, just as he had
been doing some time before.
Then the dragonfly remembered
the promise. without thinking,
the dragonfly darted down.
Suddenly he hit the surface of
the water and bounced away. Now
that he was a dragonfly, he
could no longer go into the
water...
"I can't return!" he
said in dismay. "At least I
tried. But I can't keep my
promise. Even if I could go
back, not one of the water bugs
would know me in my new body. I
guess I'll just have to wait
until they become dragonflies
too. Then they'll understand
what has happened to me, and
where I went."
And the dragonfly winged off
happily into its wonderful new
world of sun and air...
If
your friend is the one
making Tear Soup
1) Be there for your
friend, even when you
don't understand.
2) Be a source of
comfort by listening,
laughing, and crying.
3) Stick close to your
friend and defend
their right to grieve.
4) Allow your friend
to make mistakes... or
at least to grieve
differently from the
way you would grieve. |
5)
Send flowers. Send
money if you know this
would help.
6) Send cards. The
message doesn't need
to be long. Just let
them know you
haven't forgotten
them. Send one every
few weeks for a while.
7) Call your friend.
Don't worry about
being a bother. Let
your friend tell you
if they don't want to
talk about their loss
right now.
8) Answering machines
and e-mail are great
ways to keep in touch,
allowing the bereaved
person to respond only
when they feel up to
it.
9) Try to anticipate
what your friend may
need. Bereaved persons
sometimes don't know
what to ask for.
10) Avoid offering
easy answers and
platitudes. This only
invalidates the grief.
Be patient. Don't try
to rush your friend
through their grief.
11) Give your friend
permission to grieve
in front of you. Don't
change the subject or
tell them not to cry
or act uncomfortable
when they do cry.
12) Ask them
questions. But don't
tell them how they
should feel.
13) Invite your friend
to attend events
together, as you
normally would. Let
them decide if they
don't want to attend.
14) Don't assume
because your friend is
having a good day that
it means they are over
their loss.
15) Be mindful of
holidays, birthdays
and anniversaries. |
Please
Note:
Reprinted from Tear Soup, a
recipe for healing after loss.
If you would like to share this
recipe with others or include it
in a support group or newsletter,
please include the following
byline:
Tear Soup, a recipe for healing
after loss
Copyright Grief Watch 1999
By Pat Schwiebert & Chuck
DeKlyen, Illustrated by Taylor
Bills
Home Page: http://www.tearsoup.com
email: mailto:info@tearsoup.com
Read
more of Grandy’s Tear Soup
Tips. Please visit http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tstips.htm
To
learn more about Tear Soup
please visit http://www.tearsoup.com/tearsoup/tsabout.htm
Normal
Reaction to Loss, Injury and
Catastrophe
Physical reactions:
fatigue, inability to sleep,
sleeping too much, exhaustion,
changes in appetite, digestive
disturbances, feeling numb,
crying, need for comfort.
Behavioral reactions:
hyperactivity, poor
concentration, inability to
attach importance to anything
but this event, flashbacks,
nightmares, recurring dreams,
inability to remember, refusing
to talk, feeling one should not
cry, startled reactions while
awake or asleep, wanting to be
alone, wanting to just sit or
just stare.
Psychological reactions:
feelings of fear, guilt or
helplessness; feeling one cannot
stop crying; anger, which may
cause outbursts and the blaming
of others; frustration with
rescue workers, the bureaucracy,
anyone who tries to help;
violent fantasies; anxiety;
depression; amnesia; thinking no
one can ever understand, no one
can ever help; blaming oneself.
These are normal reactions and,
although painful, are parts of
the healing process. There's not
a lot anyone can do to make you
not experience these feelings,
but they will recede if you will
take the following actions.
Actions
to Take for Recovery
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Within
the first 24 to 48
hours, do strenuous
exercise coupled with
relaxation. This will
alleviate some of the
physical reactions. Keep
busy; do not sit and do
nothing. |
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Don't
tell yourself that you
have lost your mind.
Talk to people—talking
is the most healing
thing you can do. Talk
it out. |
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You
may have to tell your
story over and over
before it loses much of
its pain. Each time you
tell your story and
receive someone's
caring, you will be
healing yourself. Try
not to cover up your
feelings by withdrawing
or by using alcohol. |
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Reach
out to others. They
really do care. Spend
time with others. Do not
isolate yourself. Ask
other people how they
are doing. Remember,
they may be hesitant to
tell their story to a
stranger. |
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Find
things to do that feel
rewarding or refreshing.
When you feel bad, find
a person to talk to and
cry with, to tell of
your anger and other
helpless feelings. |
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Your
spiritual beliefs will
definitely help you
through. You will be
able to help yourself
and others better if you
cleanse your feelings
and accept caring from
others. |
We all wish to be brave and strong
in the face of disaster. We all
wish to be looked up to for our
endurance and efforts to help
others. If you truly care for
humanity, include yourself in
their numbers by giving your own
inner feelings the voice and the
dignity they so deeply deserve.
© 1999 Dr. Clarissa Pinkola
Estes, author of the book
"Women Who Run With the
Wolves"
WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?
By Martha Beck
Quick, finish this sentence: "I am a
________."
What popped into your mind? Did you immediately think of your job title? Did
you identify yourself with a relationship term, like wife, daughter, or
Elvis fan? Maybe you described your body ("I am a svelte size
10"), your personality ("I am an optimist"), or your favorite
hobby ("I am a heavy drinker").
Identity labels like these are useful, even necessary. They shape the way we
act and feel (and the way people act and feel toward us) in every situation,
from taking the bus to taking a lover. But many labels are misleading, and
none can fully describe the multifaceted reality that is a human being.
Moreover, any external criteria we use to label ourselves—looks, power,
health, relationships, anything—can disappear in a heartbeat. So really,
the only way to avoid a lot of insecurity, fear, and suffering is to learn
how to wear our identities lightly and let go of them easily.
How To Let Go
Step 1: Be still.
The process of releasing your labels without losing yourself begins in
stillness. If we hold still long enough, we begin to feel what we really
feel and to know what we really know—a prospect so terrifying that some
people bolt rather than face it.
If you can do this—get used to sitting still until you feel what you feel
and know what you know—your labels will start peeling away like onion
skins. Oh, it won't be easy. Your anxieties and neuroses will come yammering
out of the walls like the Hounds of Hell. Your older sister's voice will
mutter constant criticism. The person who broke your heart in 1987 will show
up, more vivid in memory than in the flesh, to do it again. But
just...sit...still.
Like anyone who doesn't run from stillness, you'll find that your mental
demons have less staying power than you thought. Eventually you will begin
to sense a very deep self that defies all labels, a calm soul who has
experienced your whole life—even that regrettable incident involving baked
beans, a goat, and your mother's favorite hairpiece—without ever being
dominated or extinguished. This is the you who wears your labels, who can
toss the ones you've outgrown (or that never fit in the first place), who
will always find another identity to wear when a familiar one disappears.
Step 2: Become the experiencer, not the experience.
All great wisdom traditions point to the knowledge that the essence of our
true selves is not any fixed label but the capacity to experience.
In the Biblical tradition underlying Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, the
One God of Israel tells Moses that His name is simply "I Am." The
word Buddha means one who is awake, one who is aware.
As heavy as this philosophy sounds, it has a very simple and practical
application. Try this: Go back to the first sentence of this article,
remembering the label you gave yourself. Now repeat it, but instead of
saying "I am a big fat loser" or "I am a powerful
executive," say "I am one who calls myself a big fat loser"
or "I am one who calls myself a powerful executive." This wording
may feel a bit awkward, but (1) it happens to be true, and (2) it helps you
detach from both negative and positive labels by inserting a layer of
language between you and whatever identity you happen to be wearing at the
moment.
Step 3: Practice truth in labeling.
Our belief in labels, not the labels themselves, is what gives them the
power to influence our behavior. Knowing how to let go of any given identity
without losing our essential selves yields a security we'll never get from
fame, power, money, beauty, or any other personality prop.
By stilling our bodies and minds, becoming the One Who Experiences, and
playing with labels the way we might play with costumes, we can remain
ourselves no matter what happens: loss or gain, pain or pleasure, fame or
disrepute.
Take these steps whenever, as the Indian poet Kabir wrote, "you are
tangled up in others and have forgotten what your heart once knew."
When the bad labels come at you glue-side up, or the positive ones are
stripped away, remember to answer poet William Stafford's simple question:
"Who are you really, wanderer?" Why not remember today?
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